The Gentle Art of Seduction
by Lancelotlaureate
Summary: Ian and Barbara's attempts at historical sexual role-playing don't go quite according to plan.


On Monday it started- the costumes were on and Ian and Barbara were ready to re-visit the adventures they had experienced but of course this time there was a twist. Ian had noted that this time they were actually going to reach the sex part.

Ian was dressed in a pair of tight Aztec trousers, his sandals showed off his strong feet and he was bare chested except for some Aztec jewellery draped around his neck. Barbara came out of the bathroom dressed in the orange feathery Yetaxa outfit and immediately raised her arms in a command of 'you may approach.'

He laughed suddenly.

"Oh Ian," she muttered. "This was your idea, we're meant to stay in character."

"I'm sorry," he said as he got down on his knees and carefully kissed her toes and then bowed waiting for further instruction that secretly enthralled him.

"You may rise," Barbara said with command.

"What already?" he replied, a cheeky smile forming on his lips. Barbara tried not to laugh, pulled him to his feet and then threw him onto the bed.

"You will be sacrificed!" she bellowed. "To me!"

Ian ran his hands up her legs and under her outfit and as she climbed on top of him, he reached up to kiss her neck but instead he ended up with a mouthful of feathers that had come apart from her dress robes. He spluttered, choking. Barbara got up quickly and thumped him hard on the back until the feathers flew out of his mouth like a cat eating a canary.

"Are you alright?" she asked in concern in her regular Barbara voice. Ian nodded hoping to ignore the disaster. He pulled her on top of him once more and he was soon caressing her neck and he whispered: "Can I have permission to enter your tomb?"

Barbara chuckled and moved away slightly. "You must first swear true fidelity to your god."

"Can I call you goddess?" Ian let out in a squeak as Barbara ran her hands over his body.

"No, I'm the _god_ yetaxa."

"I prefer the term goddess. Come to me goddess," he whimpered as Barbara suddenly leapt to her feet. "What are you doing? I was about to show you ways in which I can use my thumb."

Barbara didn't smile. "Can we try this again tomorrow?"

...

On Tuesday Barbara was waiting for Ian by the bed. She had sprinkled rose petals majestically on the bedspread and smiled to herself at the arrangement. She eyed herself in the mirror and made sure her 18th Century French period dress was perfect. When Ian entered the room her heart skipped a beat at the sight of him in his French Revolutionary outfit- the frilly white shirt and tight trousers.

"Mademoiselle," he said as her approached her slowly and draped his arms around her. Barbara giggled as his fingers caressed her neck- she hoped that tonight would be more successful than the previous night's situation with the Aztec seduction.

"I must say that you are _Tres Belle_ ," Ian said in a mock French accent as his fingers continued to soothe her creamy white skin. Barbara was almost lost in the moment when his dirty fake French laugh stopped her in her excitement. He was surprised when she pushed him away slightly, his fingers still willing and eager to do things.

"What is it?" Ian asked, flummoxed.

"That laugh! You call that romantic or sensual? You sound like an old French pervert." Barbara couldn't help but laugh at the attempt.

Ian spluttered in protest and threw himself rejected onto the bed. "I'm sorry how does _one_ have to talk to _one_ in France?" he said in a posh tone. Barbara felt bad and placed her arms around his neck gently and kissed him tenderly on the lips.

"Now remember how they spoke, Ian," she said. "Remember Leon?"

Ian's eyes blazed with fury and he sprung to his feet, knocking a startled Barbara onto the bedspread. "What is it?" she murmured.

"Bloody hell, Barbara, I can't do it now!"

"Why not?" she said with disappointment.

"I can't make love to you knowing you're thinking about that sleazy French traitor."

Barbara was unsure of what to say, but Ian was furious at this and he ripped off his white shirt and threw it onto the bed. "All sweaty and I didn't even get any action," he muttered as he marched towards the bathroom.

"Where are you going?" Barbara called to him.

"I need a cold shower!" Ian said.

...

On Wednesday they made their third attempt and Ian was convinced that their Roman outfits would be a success. They sat on the sofa, Ian in his slave attire and Barbara in a regal dress from the 'Court of Caesar Nero.'

"I was thinking what a splendid looking Roman you make," Barbara recited as she pulled Ian beside her and began ruffling up his hair. Ian smiled and without instruction kissed her passionately, running his strong hand up and down her thigh. When they broke apart, Ian was staring at her.

"O Tempora! O Mores!" he announced in thespian tones of seduction but this only made Barbara burst into laughter.

"What?"

"Oh did you think I was attracted to that in Rome?"

"You weren't?"

"No, if anything, Ian, it turned me off!"

Ian got up and raised his costume play sword into the air and started swinging it in frustration. "Oh well I bet Nero did nothing but whisper sweet nothings in your ear?"

"He did no such thing," said Barbara remembering full well Nero's persisting advances on her.

"Well imagine that I'm not a slave," Ian began. "But a Caesar, an Emperor of Rome. I summon you slave girl to make sweet love with me."

"Well when you put it like that," Barbara said kissing Ian hungrily. It was going so well, it was, Ian was in the midst of undressing Barbara when he announced rather foolishly that perhaps they could ask the neighbours to join them and have a real Roman orgy. Barbara pushed Ian away.

"Ian that's disgusting!"

"Why?" he asked as he began removing his garments in a seductive way.

"Ian our neighbours are seventy-five. Now that's all I can picture!"

"I didn't mean it literally!" he shouted in a high pitched tone, certain he was now never going to get any action. "Oh for god's sakes Barbara I'm all ready for this!"

"I can see that," Barbara said getting up and covering her naked body with a dressing gown. "Put it away eh Ian? I'm not in the mood now."

Ian rolled onto his front and buried his head in the sofa cushions and screamed in frustration.

...

On Thursday Ian and Barbara were adamant that their sexual role playing would be a success and by now Ian was getting desperate. "Are you ready yet?" he called to her.

When she stepped out into the bedroom she was no longer the everyday teacher Barbara, but Lady Barbara dressed in a long silky robe, and Ian was no longer just Ian, but _Sir_ Ian, Knight of Jaffa. This time Ian didn't give Barbara time to speak and pulled her fiercely on the bed and threw himself on top of her.

"My hero!" Barbara squealed. Ian gulped and felt the excitement rise through every fibre of his being.

"I've come to rescue you," he said.

"...Well actually technically I did rescue myself."

Ian, despite his arousal, rolled off Barbara in sheer stubbornness. "Barbara would it hurt for me to rescue you just once?"

Barbara felt bad. "I'm sorry I thought we were re-enacting."

Ian felt his pulse rising. "If we were re-enacting then we wouldn't have any sex at all!"

Barbara laughed and pushed herself on top of his warm body. She knew he liked to be the boss but she also had a feeling that he secretly liked it when she took control. They were all ready to get going again when Barbara gasped. "Ouch," she whimpered.

"We're not there yet," Ian said in confusion but Barbara rolled over.

"There's something poking in me."

Ian laughed. "That's kind of the point, Barbara."

Barbara scowled. "No, your fake sword, it just prodded me." Ian's face flushed with embarrassment as he chucked the sword across the room in avid frustration.

...

On Friday they lay side by side in the crisp white sheets, wrapped up cosily like two kittens.

"Aren't you glad we left the past where it's meant to be?" Barbara said as she snuggled up to Ian. He shuffled closer and wrapped his arms tightly around her.

"Let's just be ourselves in future eh?" he said, kissing her on the top of her head. "Just you and me, Ian and Barbara- it seems to work pretty well for us."


End file.
